Indecision

I've always known exactly what I want.  I have had a life plan from the time I was in the sixth grade. When any piece of that plan fell through, I immediately replaced it. There has never been a gap in my plan.

This past year has been full of a lot of indecision. It's disconcerting to not be certain what I want for the first time in about ten years. I thought I had a plan, and several months ago I owned up to the fact that it's not actually what I want to do.  I've decided on a new plan, but now everyone who hears it tries to convince me that my old plan was fine and I shouldn't change it, or that my new plan "just doesn't sound like you." Or they laugh. I've actually had people laugh at my hopes and dreams.  If there ever was something to kill your enthusiasm, it's being laughed at when you've just shared something you're really excited about. It kills any desire to open or vulnerable.

I get really anxious about telling people my plan.  I always felt like it meant I had something to live up to, and if I changed my mind I would somehow be letting people down.  Like what they expect me to do is more important than what feels right.

That's just not the case. I'm the one who is living the life after all. I still don't like talking about my plans, but at least I realize they are subject to my feelings, and no one else's. Indecision led me to be a bit more honest with myself in regards to what I'm interested in and where I should go from here.

And I don't quite know where that is yet. But I get to decide it, and that's kind of empowering.